Heavy Burdens
How to dress big tits
"I'm thinking of getting a breast reduction, actually"
"Aw, Denise, don't do that. Dave works long hours."
The Royle Family
The headache of big tits. The inconvenience, the discomfort, the curse! I remember it first occurring to me that my big tits may not be quite the blessing I had initally welcomed them as about aged 14, watching Trinny Woodall on What Not to Wear. She had tiny boobs, so small and firm that she didn’t really need a bra - she could just put on a halterneck top and leave the house without scandal. Her biggest problem was pointy nipples - Pah! Easy! Poor old Susannah had to wear wrap tops and scoop necks, but Trinny was free to look waifish and chic. My mum had bought me a beaded Ted Baker camisole in the Fenwick’s sale (Brent Cross, not Bond Street I’m afraid) and as we shopped for the right underpinnings, it was becoming clear that I would not be able to wear it, ever. The strapless bras didn’t stay up, so you would have two spongey yarmulkes gradually edging towards your navel all evening. There were bras with clear straps: there are limits to how much an audience can suspend its disbelief. Kate Moss didn’t have big tits. Alexa Chung didn’t have big tits. It’s been true since about 2005: Big tits are uncool.
Bras
The only shop I can really think of that reps big boobs in a mainstream way is Bravissimo, whose Live/Laugh/Love image is unspeakably naff. It is basically the only place I can go and try on a bra in my size without having to spend £300 on a big online order I plan to return most of. I don’t mind spending money on nice stuff (clearly), but I need to feel really good about it when I do, not like I am being held hostage in a grubby fuschia dressing room, with a harassed sales assistant telling me all the bras I own are now the wrong size.
Allow me point you towards Bella Rosa Lingerie, run by Rosie, who is a sort of boob whisperer. For £20, she will fit you online and send you bras she thinks will work depending on your tastes and boob shape. You can also see her in person if you happen to live anywhere near Kent.
The before and after pictures on her instagram page speak for themselves, and she is one of the few UK stockists of Polish bras. Yep, that’s right, bras from Poland - the country that happens to manufacture the Rolls Royce of big bras. Who knew?
There are two bras I would like to personally recommend if you need comfort and uplift in an everyday, plain sort of way: The Elomi Smoothing Bra and the Miss Mary of Sweden StayFresh Underwired bra. Both have nice wide back straps (the thought of a two hook bra makes me wince, a one hook bra makes me want to vomit) which do the literal heavy lifting. They also have smooth cups that won’t make your boobs itch during boring meetings. Both can be found on Amazon, La Redoute and Very.com - one of the three usually has a sale or discount code on.
If you want something prettier, the Millie balconette by bravissimo is good, as is the Gossard glossies range (actually and the Wacoal Halo Lace range if you are lucky enough to squeeze into an F cup.
Bras are only half the battle though. No bra will save you from the wrong clothes.
